Late Depression

I was late again today.

I have to really control my lateness. I think once that is handled, a lot of my other habits will fall into line. Like today, because I was late, I ended up catching a late train, that broke down, that made me even more late.

I recently had my start time at work pushed back, which works for em, but I still find myself late. I need to find some sort of hook to bring this habit under control. Pushing the time late didn’t wuite help, so I have to find something here.

Before I really put any focus on that, I still didn’t do my todo list today. That fear is really gripping me. I hope by writing about it, I can get it out into the world and just do like my other habits, but it is something I will have to just do to make it work.

There was a list of habits I wanted to start up with I wrote maybe a few weeks ago.

1) Exercise 2)Creating a Post in this Journal.. 3)Thanking someone via Social Media/Text/E-Mail 4)Meditation 5)Eating Breakfast.*

I haven’t really gotten started on this, other than the journal thing, something that I am getting into every day and it excites me( its why the posts are getting longer). I suppose I should take that into the win column to push me further – but sometimes it is really hard for me to do that.

I also put down hopping into the shower first thing on the weekends – which has been working. There has only been 4 days to do this but it has gone well so far.

With that said, I have revised the list because breakfast is out (with the 16/8 thing I prefer to start at around lunch time) and the post a day is about half way ingrained ( habit locks in about 45 days, I am close to 20 now). There are some more things than need to be added

1) Exercise
2) Thanking Someone via Social Media/Text/Email/Phone Call
3) Meditation
4) To Do Lists
5) Getting up 2 hours before I need to leave the house.

The last one would help with the late thing – To get to work on time, I need to leave at about 9 (for example I woke up at 9) and would allow me to do some more of my morning habit stuff at home.

I think that will get me going.

I talked about my depression yesterday with my therapist. It still haunts me, and even though as a whole, days are better – it still pops up.

It has been a struggle accepting the depression as a part of me. I wrote about it, and I felt triumphant getting it down into paper, but the part that has been most difficult has been the application.

Today I felt the depression creeping up as I got to work, and it was almost full blown by the time I sat down in my seat and started to work. A phone call from a mentor did’t quite help, and even after a phone call and some work being done, there is still a lingering feeling that floats on top of me.

Everything that has been said has been amplified, and everything positive I have done has been let go. I have fallen into a self defeatist attitude. I even had thoughts of just suddenly quitting and using some poster I saw earlier as the reason I did it from Farnam Street. (

Remembering the empty boats thing has helped. I really am glad I read that post from Zen Habits (

It is a process, and a tough one. I’ll get there one day though.

Speaking – Free Speech.

I got excited yesterday.

I realized at my pace, I am close to writing 10,000 words a month on this blog. I have been steadily increasing the amount of words I write per day, going from 100 to 200 to 300 and now almost 400 per post.

The growth has been organic, which is something I am proud of. I haven’t really been pushing to write more, it is something that has just flowed out of me. And for that I am thankful.

I just only hope I have the wisdom to keep it up. Everyday that I write is another chance to explore the options of the day ahead of me. Everyday I write I have a chance to bring something new to the world. And, everyday I write, I exercise the part of my brain that has long gone dormant – the ability to communicate.

I have felt lately( over the last 2 years almost) that I haven’t been able to say things as crisply as I had been before. People say I am well cpoken – but there is a level I felt I was at, where ideas were able to flow out like wine…almost.

Was I professional? No, but I had the ability to get to point and make them, without over thinking. I had become a parrot lately. Where I used to be able to talk about myself, I had changed into someone who just parroted ideas. These were things i thought about, but even so, I couldn’t quite put them in my own words to get them out.

I think a lot of this habit building stuff has helped – I would like to think that I can do more. Better sleep has helped. Soon I will introduce eating better, meditation, and organization into my life ( Still working on the organization), and through that maybe I improve.

I wrote that I was thankful for improvement last night. I want a growth mindset, and I think I am getting there.

I listened to an interview last night about the Paul Mooney incident, which proved my suspicions. In it he says he was set up – He didn’t say that white people deserved to be blown up, he was talking about Americans and terrorism – he said our chickens have come home to roost.


He sounds a little frazzled in the video – and I can feel why, he knows they are out to get him. It is very easy to sound crazy when you feel like crazy things are happening.

I can believe this side of events more so than the other side because I know Mooney’s comedy – never has he wished death or people to be blown up, that seemed way to vulgar for him.

I also know the people who opened for him, I would like some verification, but I feel like they wouldn’t step up to defend him because they are young in their careers. A club is important because where else will they be booked?

It is scary how they try to murder free speech. If I ever get to that level – I wonder how my words can be misconstrued.

3 Things Done
Drunk Water
16/8 Completed

No – Todo Morning or Todo Evening.

Technology & Process

Water is wet.

Pretty interesting demo with water here:

Sort of made a dent into my morning with it. I found it to be quite interesting to take a look at today.

Nothing profound about it, just a simple water demonstration with a graphics card.

It’s interesting though, how technology changes I couldn’t imagine such a thing ten yeas ago, but now it is almost right in front of us, for cheap (that was done with a consumer ready graphics card that’s already a few years old).

It makes me happy for technology, I can’t wait to see what the future brings where it drives us. We have a ton of things that are around us that can be improved, and human ingenuity is going to make that happen.

It will be exciting to see what the next generation gets to play with.

I have try not to let people interrupt my process. I have to get better at that.

You learn how you learn. I sometimes tend to let people dictate that by forcing myself to go with the flow.

That isn’t whats best for me.

For Ex. I like to write out my notes, and figure out what is going on with my sets, after listening to them.

Only…I have only done this twice.

I could really make myself to be a lot stronger comedian if I follow this process. It worked for me a lot when I went down to DC last year, only because I got to step away and apply notes. I had nothing else to do but work on process.

Now I am finding it hard to implement that process here, in NYC, because it just seems like it may get in my way.

Only, it really wouldn’t. Nothing says I can’t go into a quiet room and work on what I have. Or in the weekend, take a little time in the morning and bang out some notes for my sets during the week.

I want to make this a part of my night and day routines. Hopefully, I can get this done with the to-do stuff that I tend to do. What is data worth if you can’t break it down and get what is important out of it.

I have to get better – well…I should say I have to get it in tune with my process.

16/8 done yesterday.
– woke up full of energy btw.
3 things written
Water drunk.

Android To Do Fear

I like that I have no where to go with this blog.

It gives me freedom to go where I please.

And that is where today’s post comes from. I have a fear of to-do lists.

I really would like to add them to my daily routine – both day and night, but I get apprehensive when it happens.

My nervousness stems from the fact that I will fail on things I ut on the list.

Its difficult to sit and look at failure. It stares back at you, no matter how long you look. It knows your insecurities, and helps create more. It is a battle you know you will lose – no matter how you try to avoid it.

And yet still I do. Like my depression, I try to hide from it. It I don’t make note of it, it doesn’t exist.

It doesn’t work, hasn’t for my lifespan of 26 years, but still I try to shoehorn it through my habits.

I am going to start making my todo lists at night this week. Ill see where it gets me.

I reset my android phone last night, and I don’t know how I should feel on that.

It was necessary – but I don’t want to lose what I had. Almost feels like a relationship I am losing. Don’t want to get rid of it. I don’t think I will, but this phone that I have now is really annoying me.

It almost makes me want to transfer over to Sprint , just to get my hands on the Galaxy IV. That would mean I will be leaving Verizon as well.

Who knows where that can go.

Paul Mooney got fired for bringing up Boston, saying they had it coming. I am proud he brought it up. I may not agree —- I don’t even know where he was going with it, but I agree with his right to work it out.

He is fearless. That’s where I want to be. I almost got mad at my roommate for not being completely on board – he seemed a little scared.
I can’t be mad at someone for keeping their truth sacred. He has a path as do I.

16/8 Done. 8 Second Water. 3Things Done.

Trust Myself and Process

Now – this post may sound insane, but I think I want to get closer to unloading my mental process out on paper….or screen, or whatever you would call this medium. I want things I write to have an impact…leave you with something.

So I think the first step is to start with myself.

Cleaning up.

Its difficult to figure that thing out you know – at what point can I stop the procrastination and just clean up.

Its all that is on my mind today. Just organizing.

I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but I guess that’s a way I can convince myself I tried.

That mind state has got to go. I am going to clean up today. That is all there is to it.

Keyboard shortcuts save lives. I don’t know how I worked before that. I start to feel like I am losing something the minute I touch a mouse. To be honest – for the small reach it gives, it tends to get in the way of a lot of work.

I am going to try to learn more about keyboard shortcuts this week.

I had 3 good sets of comedy last night – 10 minutes each. All different material. A lot of new stuff…some throw away stuff… and a little old. It was me trusting myself. Just jumping as they say , knowing I have the material in the back pocket to hang with the big boys.

That was fun.

Met a few people, made a few fans last night. Even a few comics. Its an interesting process some times. Ari Shaffir’s stuff has been working like gangbusters so far. Smaller things. That video may be what helps me propel to the next level of my career.

I missed a little with the 16/8…not by much…started eating at 5, stopped at 2 or so. An hour, but I have to make sure I am aware. Can’t let it slip again.

3 Things were logged.
Enjoyed Water.

iPhones and Fate

I have a new iPhone today. Just stated using it.

I never thought I would be able to do such a thing – chalk it up to reasons and a blind loyalty that shouldn’t exist.

Apple always represented a closed system to me. I distrust them – a closed system means information from one source – and thus beings the propaganda.

A lot of Apple users buy into to propaganda.

My mistake, however, was to let their zeal ruin what could be a connection to me finding a device that fits me.

After a day – I have to say, the iPhone really feels good to use.

Am I giving up android? No – I have this iPhone because of the T-Mobile 30$ prepaid plan – which really allows me two phones really cheap. I still plan on upgrading to a new phone on Verizon – The Galaxy iv or the HTC One – when I have an opportunity – both Android phones. However – I am finally being open to all sides.

I would love a Windows phone and a Blackberry, for no other reason than to check all things out and be knowledgeable.

There was some discussion on the Ari Shaffir video that I posted last night.

First – congrats to that information getting out there (it is close to 4,000 views as of this post, and no thumbs down, which is amazing considering someone hates EVERYTHING)

A few comics are scared – they consider funny will carry them to fate – and from there they will create a career.

That video pointed it out, succinctly, that it doesn’t exist. No one is going to see you be funny and say, here is a sitcom. It just doesn’t happen anymore, and i feel like…it never really happened that way.

I don’t believe in fate…or maybe I should say I don’t trust it.

I believe that given a choice, anything – given it physical or not – will take the easy way out. And the easy way out is to not do any work.

If you believe fate took you to where you need to be – then I feel like that is where it will leave you.

Ambition means something. It seems hard not to confuse ambition with something that is harmful. Do your best and make connections. Who knows where it may take you. It never harmed anyone to be nice, shake a hand, and ask at a spot at the table when things became comfortable.

16/8 – 3 Good Things – 8 Seconds of Water – Cleaned Clothes off Floor

Procrastination Networking

My arm hurts.

Its funny how procrastination can sting you when you feel that wall in front of you.

We all know that wall of self doubt.

I have been doing well with this blog lately. Every day I have been banging out 300 words. Output is increasing – and my mind is growing. I tried to throw litany into this post (I did there) but in context before I realized that maybe I am going too far.

This is a good place to be. I think. But then I still have this feeling of procrastination waiting right behind me.

Everything tells me to stop, but I have to keep going. There is a story to tell, but it isn’t going to go out until I get used to getting out feelings once a day.

I am feeling good about networking this week. My spot last night went very well, and instead of going home, I connected with comics at Caroline’s and at the Comic Strip. I met two comics from DC, and I gave them some spots.

I didn’t do this in exchange for anything more than friendship. I don’t want them to owe me. I just want to build relationships.

That Ari Shaffir Youtube – is worth looking at if you want to make it in show business – or any business for that matter. I don’t know if he knows it, but his discussion on topics like this sound like the same things I hear in business all the time.

Business is business – networking is a part of it. We build ourselves up. Open yourself up to things. A lot of things in there that make a ton of sense.

I hope I can keep this attitude going. I felt helpful last night, and it felt it reciprocated.

Another 16/8 down BTW. I still hope red bull doesn’t ruin this.
3 joyful things are logged.
8 Seconds of Water
1 Red Bull Before leaving.
1 Blog Post down.