Self-Discipline and Self-Awareness

My inner voice is screaming.

This morning, I wanted to avoid this blog.

A sense of rebellion, a chance to run away from myself to spite me.

In a way, it functions as a reminder of how your internal dialogue is irrational.

It isn’t necessarily wrong.  That alarm exists for a reason. This self-rebellion is the result of something being “off.”

Self-discipline is knowing how to avoid your inner voice to finish things that need doing after that initial alarm. 

Self-awareness is taking that inner-voice seriously enough to sit down and continue the “conversation” after the alarm.

Don’t run from the next step.

 

 

Losing My Self Connection

One of my greatest fears as a kid was losing respect. When I was younger, that’s how the world(my thoughts) measured everyone, how much respect you garnered by your peers. Respect was an equation, with some parts how brave you were, mixed with some parts how funny you were, mixed with some parts how smart you were, finished with a layer of cool. To lose that meant banging around the bottom of the social ladder until you landed in a  of victim-hood. It was a scary place.

It was hard to not measure myself by the outside world. I am what the world sees, at least I thought. When possible, I thought I had to reform to what the world wanted, so I could eventually land at the top of the social totem pole.

This wasn’t a great strategy. I lost myself, my self connection,in the struggle.

I allowed the world to decide my self-worth, and through that I made horrible decisions that cost me nothing but time,money, and connection.  Instead of learning how to dance with my peculiarity, I ran from it. I closed my ears off to my internal music, and the result was I became deaf to the most interesting parts of myself.

One of my resolutions this year is to make sure that I get closer to that connection – get closer to myself. Slowly cutting through the wires of noise that were strewn about my mind to get to that signal that lasted as a kid.Its been a process, but I am learning the closer you get to it, the closer the world offers solutions to problems you unconsciously had. Your art comes out, ready to take on these problems ahead of you.

Nothing is scarier, but in turn, nothing is more satisfying than self connection.